(no subject)

[boatshoes]

[Gansey finds that he can sleep easier when she's there. It's something else they don't talk about, like all the phone calls in the middle of the night and the glances and touches that linger for too long. The first time it happens, it's because they're all up late and somehow in the night, Blue and Gansey end up on his mattress in the middle of the room together and before he knows it, he wakes up to her hair on his face.

Ronan smirks at him all morning until Jane throws the cue ball at him.

Oh Jane. He is helplessly in love with her, isn't he.

Then it's just... a habit that springs up. Not at Monmouth, that's far too risky and not every night. Maybe once a week at the most. Ronan goes to the Barns and Gansey grabs the keys to the Camero once he's sure he's gone and he goes to 300 Fox Way. He's under no illusions that the psychics in her house don't know he's there, even though he never sees any of them in between Blue meeting him at the door and spiriting him up the stairs.

He also has doubts what some of the women think is happening and what the others know isn't happening. But then he finds he doesn't care.

He cares about Jane's warm body cuddled against his side. The smell of her in his nose. The stupid and inconsequential things they talk about, like they did over the phone but this time it's in whispers and with long silences that don't mean she's hung up. Gansey doesn't talk about kissing her and Blue doesn't either.

They almost pretend like they're a normal couple.

Gansey doesn't dream every night. On the night he finally does, he doesn't trash or yell out. More like he's frozen even in his sleep, paralyzed by fear and a gasp caught in his throat. There's probably no way that Blue wouldn't notice.]

Comments

[louder]

( it isn't as if blue's throws are that of a pro ball player. but when she wants something to go somewhere, she makes it do that thing. ronan's teasing warranted hurling of hard objects. she never worried about being able to put enough force behind it to cause any lasting damage, anyway.

blue knows that her mother and calla and orla and anyone else psychic within a 50 mile radius probably all know. blue also can't find it in her heart to care, and maura would never restrict her so long as she understands that kissing cannot happen. sometime, she notes to herself, she'll need to talk to her mother about all of the things two people in love can do without ever touching lips. all they can mean to each other without worrying about a deadly smooch. no, not the birds and the bees - that's a little too much even for a relationship as close as theirs. but all the other things. holding hands. going on dates. being close to each other and knowing and understanding one another in ways nobody else gets. those things.

some nights blue wakes up randomly and just looks at the way gansey's face only seems as young as his actual age when he's sleeping. he's always got this look about him, this world-worn but not yet weary look, like he's been alive for centuries and just not aging. she likes to see him almost boyish. it reminds her that sometimes, they can just be teenagers. maybe those moments only last for the blink of an eye, but they exist, and that's enough for her.

tonight, she does just that... but she doesn't wake to his stillness, the gentle lilt of breathing in and out. she wakes to a strange flinching in his muscles, to sounds like a fish out of water. immediately, blue is worried. she props herself up on one elbow and leans over him, brow knit, confused and concerned and what's going on in that head of his, anyway? she brings her hand to his cheek and whispers harshly. )

Gansey? Gansey. Wake up.

[boatshoes]

[When he was younger, he used to have screaming nightmares about it. Exactly how he grew out of that, or perfected his mask, he's not sure. He's practiced for years to be able to hide it when he's awake but when he's sleeping?

Does that mean it's bothering him less? Or that he's so unable to move past it that it's just a part of his every day life now?

Gansey's eyes fly open and he stares at nothing in particular for a moment, breath caught in his throat. Can't move, can't breathe because of the fear, because he can feel the hornets crawling along his ear and in his ear and any moment they're going to sting him and--]

Sorry. I'm fine.

[louder]

( she knows better. the tension in his face, the way he went rigid sleeping... that's anything but fine. blue's thumb gently strokes over his cheekbone, and she leans her forehead against his. he's not fine at all. she murmurs. )

You had a nightmare, didn't you? ( she wants to soothe him, but she's socially awkward. not sure how do. so she just lets her thumb make small circles, and stays close to him. )

[boatshoes]

[Nightmares are terrible things in Gansey's world. That word means screaming himself hoarse in the middle of the night. Of falling down in broad daylight because he thought he saw a hornet while out with Malory and just the thought of one being near him was enough to make the panic rise in his throat and choke him.

This-- is similar. Enough to freeze him but either time or poor coping skills have given him the ability to push past that easily enough, push it down, pretend like it's not a problem.]

I guess so. It happens sometimes. Sorry to wake you.

[louder]

Don't apologize. ( blue is more worried for him than anything else. her thumb ends its ministrations and she tucks her head easily into the crook of his neck. she drapes her arm over his chest and curls inward toward him, hugging him close. ) Want to talk about it?

[boatshoes]

[Jane uses him as a pillow and instead of ramping up his anxiety, it seems to have a calming effect, like a human blanket, or like she's proof that he's not alone and he's not dying and he's okay and it's going to be okay.

She's warm and Gansey rests his mouth against her hair, careful not to kiss her.]

I thought I was finally moving on from it.

[It being the time he died. It doesn't make sense how he can go for weeks without anything setting him off and then a nightmare comes out of nowhere and makes him feel like a terrified child all over again.]

[louder]

You died. ( she says it gently, but matter-of-fact. no beating around the bush. the arm draped over him leaves a hand dangling and she drags her fingertips idly up and down the inside of his forearm. ) That isn't something you just... Move on from. ( she hooks her arm around him and curves her hand under his ribcage and squeezes him. she wants to fix it. ) Is there anything I can do?

[boatshoes]

[Gansey's face twists, like he's smelled something unpleasant all of the sudden. She says it so matter of factly. You died. You died once upon a time, Dick and it's just much more blunt than he's used to. Than he's comfortable with.

He swallows hard after a moment, both trying to accept the situation and that he wants her help enough to let her past the walls. In a few minutes he'll realize that he's just sort of lying there and she's doing all the cuddling and he'll want to even it out but for now, he's just enjoying the simple comfort.]

Stay up with me?

[louder]

( blue is sensible. even with gansey, some things shouldn't be sugar coated. it's hard, because she knows that the reminder is painful for him. but it's true, too. he died. he came back, but he died once... and that's why she says it so bluntly. because he's scolding himself for not being over something that would be so starkly influential on the thoughts and feelings of anyone in the world with half-sanity who's been through it.

that he even feels he has to ask, she finds strange. it's not even a question. she was actually wondering if there was anything beyond that. now, she's just... happy to oblige. )

.. Of course.

[boatshoes]

[By now, if he were at Monmouth, he would have pushed the covers aside by now, found his glasses and settled down to work on his model for the next few hours, until the sun started peaking over the horizon and then maybe he'd get some coffee.

He doesn't pull away from Blue now, adjusts his chin against her head after a moment for no real reason besides he can.]

How do I stop being afraid of it, Jane?

[louder]

( now, that's a loaded question. she's quiet, a pregnant pause filling the air, and then she sighs very deeply. she wants to be honest with him, but she also doesn't want to be totally useless. honestly, she doesn't know. but she wants to help him. she wants to make this easier for him. )

You don't. But -... When it gets to you, just... ( she worries at her lip. ) Find me, okay? No matter what time it is, or where you are. Even if it's just in your mind. Remind yourself that it's over, and that I'm here to help you. ( it sounds so corny and stupid, like a nicholas sparks novel, or a lifetime movie, and she immediately feels like an idiot for even saying it. )

[boatshoes]

[Gansey would never say that he didn't have a love and supportive family. Or that he couldn't rely on Ronan and Adam when he needed them. But he's never had anything quite like this. Someone that he could stop and think about when everything became too overwhelming and she'd actually make it less complicated instead of more.

Blue didn't add a weight to his shoulders, like he's responsible for her. Like he has to keep on a brave face for her. Ronan he feels like he's barely keeping him alive somedays. And Adam is doing everything in his power to prove he doesn't want for anything, not even a piece of gum.

He moves to touch her cheek with his thumb, running it over the soft skin there like he uses that same finger to rub his own lip sometimes.]

You're remarkable, Jane.

[louder]

( blue is blue. she's fine. she's always been fine. she adapts easily, she works through things. she's independent. the way she leans on gansey is a mutual sort of leaning; they enrich each others' lives. she tries her best to be something light, something that helps to carry him instead of something he needs to carry. he loves his friends. she loves them, too. but she knows that sometimes they take a toll on him. the way noah sometimes takes a toll on her. she loves them all the same, but it can be nice to be close to someone who makes you feel like you can just breathe and enjoy a moment without fretting over what comes next.

she smiles and leans her cheek into the touch, nuzzling against his hand. maybe now is the right moment. maybe now is the best time for her to say what she's feeling. yes. it has to be. blue brings her hand up and lays it over the top of his. )

When you love someone, you tend to want to make sure they're all right. ( there is no three word phrase. there's something poetic about the simplicity in tone with which she speaks these words. like it's just the way the world is, the way it's always been, and the way it always ought to be. ) That's all.

[boatshoes]

[The thing about Blue is that she makes him reconsider every one of his previous conceptions about the world. She forces him to stop and reconsider everything he thought he knew as cold and hard fact, that that was the way of things and everyone was that way. Thought he knew what love was, what it felt like and what it looked like and how it worked in his life.

He was wrong.

Love is just this. This moment with a boy and a girl who maybe don't have all the answers, and who come from completely different worlds and who couldn't actually be further apart on some things.]

I tend to want to make sure you're all right, too.