crimson_graces | psl for louder.

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[Henrietta hasn't changed at all. It's been five years since he last stepped foot in this town, when he graduated from Aglionby and Cabeswater changed its mind or something and pointed him away from the small Virginia town to find Glendower and of course he followed it. There's never been a question that he would. The question, it turned out, is who would come with him. Besides Ronan, he's always been a given. They don't talk about it but where Gansey goes, so does Ronan even if he sounds like he's throwing a fit about it the entire way. Because they're really, at the end of it, best friends and the only thing that can be counted on forever.

Gansey can only hear the word never so many times before even he believes it. Blue said it to him so many times that he started to think it was his name.

Couldn't we just--

--never, never I won't be the one to kill you, never--

But what about--

-- no no no

So that's that. She stays and he goes when the chase for Glendower leads somewhere else. Adam goes to college but he doesn't begrudge him that at all. Adam got a scholarship and he deserves it and Gansey isn't going to stand in his way. It's just Gansey, Ronan and Chainsaw in the Pig, at least for a couple years or so. And then he meets her.

She's nothing at all like Blue and that's probably why he's drawn to her because she's so different. There's nothing when he looks at her that makes him wish he was back in Henrietta more than he already wished it. One thing leads to another and six months later, she tells him she's pregnant and Gansey does the Right Thing. Of course he does. He's a Gansey, his mother would never tolerate anything less and he marries her. Has a little baby girl seven months later. They call her something Very Proper, Elizabeth plus a thousand nicknames Gansey (and thank God they didn't have a boy so he doesn't have to have the argument about a Richard Campbell Gansey IV because the talk about having a child at all at his age was already too much fun) but he calls her Elle and he's barely old enough to drink but he's a father too. He's got no fucking clue what he's doing. Especially after her mother passes and it's just him and Elle and his best friend and a fucking crow and a car that only works seventy percent of the time.

It's harder than finding a centuries dead Welsh king and somehow more amazing.

They're back in Henrietta now for Ronan-- not Glendower. Not Blue. But fate and magic have a funny way of stalking his footsteps and without even trying, he crosses paths with her. Gansey makes a point to go nowhere near 300 Fox Way or Nino's and yet-- there she is. It's obviously her. She's older and her hair looks different, longer maybe or she's found a new way to clip it but it's her.

And this is him. Same chinos, same polo, same mussed brown hair, same air of money and an eighteen month old on his hip and a wedding ring (maybe he's forgotten about it, maybe he still wears it out of some misplaced dedication to a woman he never really loved, maybe he uses it as a shield) still on his finger.]

Jane-- Blue. Hello. I didn't-- how are you?

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( in the end, it was blue's love for gansey that drove him away from her. there was nothing in the world she wanted more than to give fate the brush off and be with him. but because it was what she wanted most, she knew it wasn't what either of them needed. she knew it was dangerous. and she never loved another person afterward. never kissed. never anything. when she let gansey go, when she made gansey go, she let go of that piece of herself. she knows she'll never get it back.

she went to college on scholarships and what little money she and her mother had managed to save over the years, but in the end, she came back to henrietta. after losing persephone, and being mostly without blue for four yearss, there was a lack of cohesion that seemed to overcome the women of 300 fox way. blue felt obligated to them, and she loves them - so she returned. they needed her, she needed them... and in truth, though she always had grandeur in her mind for her future, henrietta was and would always be her home.

she doesn't work at nino's anymore. she gets a cut of payment from the readings in her house, as well as freelance clothing design. she's never really been a techie in any sense of the word, but a friend of hers in college introduced her to etsy, and she's been selling custom clothing ever since. her quirky style has done a lot to help her get through life and help her family financially. things go as they've always gone in their little burg, and that's just fine with her. day in, day out, same thing. (there goes the baker with his tray like alwaaaays...) but not today.

something in the air is different today. the movement, the smell... she can't pinpoint it, but she can feel it. she's just walking down the street, enjoying the weather, on her way to pick up a couple of grocery items. the little local grocer isn't far and she won't have much to carry, anyway. minding her own business... and then there's a prickle at the back of her neck. and then there's a voice, one she never thought she would hear again. her heart stops, and leaps to her throat. her stomach can't decide if it wants to thrash or leave her body entirely. she tries to speak, but nothing comes out. she turns, eyes wide, to take him in.

a child? all over again, blue feels a painful sensation ripping through her chest, merciless and cruel. but maybe it's not his. maybe it's his niece; helen's kid. the thought of helen as a mom seems a little strange to her, though. no... she looks closer at the little girl. this child is unmistakably his.

blue feels sick. )

... Gansey.

( how is she? or how was she? because she was fine. but now she is nauseous. )

I'm -- ( TERRIBLE EVERYTHING IS BAD AND I LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH AS I ALWAYS DID PLEASE... PLEASE STOP... ) -- I'm well. What about you? And who's this?

[There is hardly any hint of her mother in little Elle. She looks every inch a Gansey, like she could be his little sister or his niece instead of his daughter. The only hint he can ever find is in the curve of her nose and her eyes are a shade darker than his and that's after hours of just looking at her.

She's unmistakably his and even if he did think about lying and passing her off as Helen's, he won't. He couldn't do that, to her or to Jane. It's not fair.]

Elle. Elizabeth but we call her Elle.

[He adjusts his grip on her after said little girl tries to wiggle her way to the ground. No, not now because she's always got a solid chance of running off when she's on her feet and he doesn't want to chase her at the moment.]

She's my daughter.

[That's an unnecessary clarification, given the resemblance and the ring that glints in the sun.]

Elle say hi to Blue, she's an old friend of daddy's.

[Who can resist a little angel waving at them? Surely not even sensible Jane. Definitely not her dad, who smiles and presses a kiss to her brown curls. He might apologize for having a lapse of judgement around her mother, for trying to move on from Blue when he so obviously still loves her, but he won't apologize for this little girl.]

Seems we have a lot to catch up on.

( none of it is fair. the second her name leaves his lips, the way he explains the nickname, reveals the next little tidbit before he even speaks it. gansey moved on. she told him to move on, so she's not sure what she was expecting. for starters, never to see him again. but occasionally when she allowed her thoughts to drift toward the notion of him, she wondered if he was as finished as she was after their parting. blue sargent could easily qualify for nunhood. it seems gansey could not qualify for monkhood. she feels her heart sink again. she told him to go, and he did. she told him never, and he listened. he found something else. something tangible, someone tangible, that he could have. it's like she's seventeen all over again. her backbone is, thankfully, reinforced with titanium and cold, hard steel. she doesn't cry.

but she wants to.

she leans in slightly toward the little girl, though. this little girl is adorable, she can't deny that, nor can she deny a hello from a tiny stranger. the smile on her lips is absolutely forced there, but it's very convincing and bright and to a child, it wouldn't make any difference. she wonders if gansey will notice that. )

Hello, Elle. ( she speaks in a gentle, sweet voice. all friendly and warmth and sunlight, even though the inside of her feels like a late autumn storm - cold, wet, and out of control. the smile fades as she rights herself and looks back to gansey. but she can't maintain eye contact for long. it's too much. )

Guess we do. ( she looks over her shoulder, not really toward anything but just to keep her face from being too easy to read. ) Nino's?

[He notices. Of course he does. Gansey was born with a built in bullshit meter and it's firmly in the red zone right now. There's a lot to tell her, even more than the toddler on his hip says and Elle says a lot.

Elle says that there was at least some point another woman. Elle says that he has been busy with more than just the search for Glendower. Elle says that there's a new woman in his life and she's still wearing diapers but she's also kind of the center of his universe. Elle says that he might still love Blue but he can't put her first.]

Sure, yeah.

[So here they go! In that direction at least, more or less side by side and with a baby in between them. The symbolism isn't lost on him at all.]

It's not-- I know what you're thinking. And it's not quite that.

( elle says a lot. so does the ring on gansey's finger. she's noticed it, too. it wasn't the first thing that caught her eye. an adorable tiny little baby girl version of gansey definitely took first fiddle. but elle and the ring together... they say more than blue ever wanted to hear. they say that he did exactly what she told him to do. a part of her - tiny, and selfish - had always, would always, hope that he wouldn't. that he'd spend his life the way she chooses to spend her own.

she steamrolls his next train of thought, talking over him before he even finishes, because she doesn't want to hear it. she doesn't want to know. )

How long's it been since you had a pizza like Nino's anyway?

( this is a much better topic. )

[A muscle works in his jaw when she talks over him, annoyed because that's rude to do and she's not giving him the chance to explain. But then when has Jane ever wanted an explanation from him. That gets in the way of her making assumptions and Being Right.]

Too long.

[Gansey is not quite talking about pizza there. Nino's and Jane go hand in hand in his head. It's been too long since he's seen her.]

Do you still work there?

No. ( it's short and sweet. ) I went to college, actually. I don't use my degree, but... ( blue shrugs, her eyes casting away from him so much more easily than when they deign to look at his face. all the potential in the world, held in the cup that blue sargent set on a table in a city miles away from here, years away from here, centuries away from here, and left. )

I design custom clothing and sell it online now, and I help out with the readings regularly so I get a paycut. Without Persephone, they... ( the thought makes her sad, and she stuffs her hands in the pocket of her jacket. ) They need me more than ever.

You did?

[He doesn't mean to sound as surprised as he does, to the point where it's almost condescending. Gansey had just assumed, after everything, that she would stay here forever and that would be that. A naive and silly assumption to make it would seem.]

Jane--Blu-- that's great. Really it is.

[They get to Nino's and that seems to save him from saying anything else that's seven shades of stupid. It's not busy, they get a table right away and a chair for little Elle, which he settles her in with the practiced ease of someone who has been doing it for a long time. Who is used to being a father.

Gansey slides into the booth across from Blue, looking at her for a moment.]

What's your shop name, I'll have Helen look at it and endorse your things.

( he seems so surprised. she shrugs softly, chuckles just a little bit, and sheepishly keeps her eyes on the ground as she walks. )

Thanks.

( they get to nino's and she doesn't have any issue waving and saying hello to the new waitstaff, as well as calling a hello to the back of the house where all of the old familiar faces still reside. nepotism is a hell of a thing. blue watches gansey most closely, though. the ease with which he handles his daughter tugs at her heart and turns her stomach. that could have been her little girl. if she'd just -- no. because if she'd just would have meant he would have died. their waitress brings water to both of them, and a little cup for elle, with the menus neither of them need to look at.

endorsement from the ganseys would set her up for life, but... )

You don't have to do that.

I want to.

[It's as simple as that. Gansey never hands out pity or charity because he's that kind of man. He does what he does because he feels guilt for being born with everything and not deserving it while others who have nothing do. If he can better someone else's life, then why shouldn't he try?

Why is it so hard for them to accept the favor?

Gansey grabs Elle's cup and pours the water in there into a sippy cup that she can actually handle, his movements more automatic than anything else and then gives it back to her.]

If you'll accept it.

( blue sighs. of course he wants to. he's generous because he's a good person, not out of pity. she taps her nails against the sides of her glass and watches him move seamlessly with the child that isn't hers. she's a very cute child. adorable little angel face, good manners... of course. she's a gansey. her heart twists and she takes a gulp of water to keep it from clawing its way up her throat. )

I'll consider it. But I'm doing well, even without.

( until today when you walked back into my life like a tornado, she doesn't say. )

I know.

[It's the simple way that he says it, that shows how much he means it. He really doesn't doubt that Jane is capable of taking care of herself, that the women of 300 Fox Way will continue to make ends meet with or without his presence in their lives.

Doesn't stop him from wanting to help though. If he can.

Gansey produces a small container of snack foods fit for a toddler, like rice crackers or some shit of that nature and he puts a handful in front of her, almost absentmindedly because his gaze is entirely on Blue the whole time.]

Her mother passed. [That might seem out of nowhere but he knows her. He knows it's pretty much been on her mind since they first ran into each other. Who the mother is, how he met her, where she is now, how there's a baby girl with his name and features sitting at the booth with them.]

About a year ago. It's just me, her, Ronan and that cursed bird.

( when the waitress comes back, at some point while gansey is giving the small child food befitting of small children, she orders their usual pizza preference. she orders a sweet tea for herself, extra lemon. the waitress looks to gansey, sees the struggle of parenting, and just assumes the rest - she'll probably get it right if the look on blue's face is any indication. she knows the staff well and they know her, and most of them remember the raven boys, too.

once she's gone, the floor falls out from under blue. her mother passed. so gansey is raising this child on his own, mostly. there's a tiny smile at the corner of her lips at the mention of ronan and chainsaw. unpleasant as he's always been, she misses him, too. they were all a part of her life. they were all solely her life. her smile fades, though, because it's inappropriate to smile when one tells you one's spouse has died. )

I'm sorry.

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

[That could apply to both her sympathy and her taking the liberty of just ordering for him. It's been forever since he's been here, but he's still touched she remembers what he likes. Not that he ever ordered anything different from Nino's. Half and half pizza, avacado, and sweet tea.

Maybe it's a small miracle he's not twice his size after leaving Aglionby.]

It's more unfair to her. She's not going to remember her mother at all. And I don't have many stories about her.

Mhmm... ( she wants to say 'you're welcome', or 'of course', but neither seem right for either situation - the apology for his loss, or the acknowledgement that she's never forgotten a single thing about him. blue just... hums. it's pretty much where her emotional capacity is allowing her to sit. hum-ville. her eyes drift from gansey to his daughter as he speaks. )

I'm sure you have photos. This is you we're talking about. ( then, without thinking, as blue speaks she reaches across the table and picks up a piece of cereal elle launched, handing it to her. the chubby little fingers brush hers and she smiles, nodding, as the little one places the piece in her mouth where it was always meant to be. ) That's better -- ( then she turns her attention back to gansey. ) How long..? ( "how long..." were you together? did you know her? did you date her before deciding to marry her? did it take you to fall in love with someone else? two words, dozens of questions, none of which she'll utter in their entirety. )

[He smiles when she hands a cheerio back to Elle, the smile getting even bigger when his daughter shoves it and her whole fist into her mouth. At least she's got the hand eye coordination thing down. Once food is in her hand and she's not doing that adorable thing she does where she won't eat unless she's being fed and if someone isn't feeding her, she's screaming her head off.

For now anyway.

Ronan is surprisingly good at calming her down from those fits too.]

Not very. We uh-- [He wrinkles his nose at himself, the distaste with his own irresponsible actions evident.]

It wasn't planned. She discovered she was pregnant and I did the right thing.

[He married her. Maybe her feminist ways would be offended by that but he's been raised as a gentleman. He would never leave a girl on her own to raise a child when it's half his fault there's a baby in the first place.]

Then she got sick, her leukemia came back and here we are.

( blue is probably a natural at mothering, though she doesn't think she would be and she's probably about as confident in her ability to deal with children as she is in her ability to negotiate her way out of allowing helen gansey to endorse her merchandise. that is to say, very little more than zero percent confident.

she's surprised to hear that gansey was that irresponsible. she's also... hurt. because that means that gansey kissed another girl and enjoyed it enough to have sex, not that blue expected anything else, or to see him again ever, or... well. today is just turning into a day of things she didn't expect. calla and maura are going to get an earful when she gets home because how could they not tell her about this? how? they had to have known. )

Oh. ( that's all she can say. oh. because of course he did the right thing, of course he did what high society deemed proper. she doesn't ask, but the questions are all bundled into each carefully placed syllable. did you love her? were you happy? do you miss her? ) I'm sorry. ( that's all. it's a repeat of what she's already said, but. what else can you say to that? ) If it's any consolation, growing up with just one parent isn't all that bad. I think I turned out alright.

Maura is an excellent mother.

[That would be his way of saying that he doesn't have the same faith in himself to be on the same level as Maura Sargent. At least not without some serious help. He can't see the future. He has no guarantee that his daughter will be as sensible and wonderful as Blue, who he's sure helped raise herself.]

You should see Ronan with her. I told him no more children, not after Chainsaw and yet-- [He lifts one shoulder in a shrug. It's a joke. Mostly.]

You'd probably be very good with her too.

And you're an excellent father, from what I've seen today.

( she will have none of this self-deprecating bullshit from you, dick gansey trois. blue does smile fondly at the idea of ronan with an actual human child. outside of matthew, it's never been something she could possibly fathom picturing. children with ronan are like children running with scissors, basically. it's a pleasant surprise that he's good with elle. then again... it's gansey's child, and blue isn't sure there's anything in the world outside of his little brother that ronan would put before gansey's well being or the well being of someone important to gansey. )

I think a little girl is pretty different from a bird, Gansey.

( saying his name feels strange. so does hearing that he thinks she'd be good with his daughter. the child of another woman. blue's easy expression melts away into a more somber, tense one and she sips her drink. )

I'm not sure about that.

[His smile is polite, and that's where he leaves it. Accepts her compliment with a smile towards his little girl. Maybe he doesn't have any clue what he's doing when it comes to her, but he does the best he can and he'd do anything for her, even die before he let something bad happen to her, spoils her with love and that's probably all he can do.]

You remember how he is around that bird, don't you?

[Just like his actual baby. But then he supposes that Chainsaw is as close to reproducing that Ronan Lynch will ever get.]

Come on, Jane. She likes you. That's not nothing.

Of course I do. Only someone who's never been around him for longer than five minutes would forget. ( chainsaw his precious baby angel birb. she gives elle a glance, then returns to her drink with a soft sigh. the implications that his daughter, and another woman's daughter, likes her makes her feel uneasy. this situation is so complicated. his presence in henrietta is so complicated. she finds herself wishing he hadn't come, just so she could return to the out of sight, out of mind mentality. where she'd think of him once in a while, or sometimes often, but put it out of her mind because she knew she'd never see him again.

here he is, once again spinning her world around and around with no sign of stopping. )

I'm not her mother. I don't know anything about taking care of a child. All I did was pick up her cereal.

[He's quiet for a moment, pushing a cheerio across the little tray towards Elle until she grabs it with a giggle. Somehow that's an endlessly entertaining game for her. Throw in peekaboo and she'll be laughing for hours.

What wouldn't he give for things to be simple again? Simple, straightforward. Spend an afternoon tracing a ley line, go to school, think about Glendower, eat, breathe, visit the Barns.

But then that time he didn't know Blue either and he's not sure he wants to give up those memories.]

I'm not asking for anything except to be friends again. That's it.

( then, all at once, she regrets the terseness in her responses to him about getting along with his daughter. it's like forcing him to walk away all over again. it's like watching him finally concede to it, all over again. her heart sinks and she can feel it aching all the way down to the marrow of her bones. that breaking feeling echoes throughout her entire body. )

I'm sorry. I didn't -- ( she shakes her head and takes a drink, and avoids any and all eye contact. she thought this was done. she thought these things, these feelings, this tension, would be over. he wasn't meant to come back. ) How long are you in town?

I'm not sure.

[Gansey isn't going to touch the moment of awkwardness between them. He's going to let it go because it's been too many years since they were on the same page, if they ever were and some things about him are just never going to change. It's not in his nature to pick at the ugly things in life until they bleed.]

A week, perhaps. If not more. It involves Ronan and Declan getting along for a few days so.

There's that.

You still own Monmouth, don't you? Is that where you're staying? ( maybe after this extremely awkward meeting she can avoid seeing you again by avoiding monmouth and other places you may frequent... much as it hurts her heart to think about not seeing him anymore, seeing him with a child in tow and a life lived well without her hurts just as much. ) Ah -- I wonder if Ronan -- ( would like to see her again? she stops dead in her tracks and chuckles, shaking her head. ) Probably not. I'm glad he's still around, though. Follows you everywhere, right?

[Gansey nods that careless kind of nod that only people who own more than one property can do with ease. But then his family has always had places all around the globe and where they don't, their youngest has a habit of buying something if he stays there for longer than a week.

It's a good investment, what can he say. It's for Elle.]

Travels everywhere with me and Elle, yes. [It's important to him, that slight correction. Ronan isn't a dog. He doesn't follow anyone. He makes his own choices.]

And you're wrong. He would like to see you.

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psl for louder.

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HOW!! VERY!!! DARE!!!!!!

NO HOW DARE YOU

NO!!! YOU!!!!!!

okay fine im worse

it's true it's so true, screaming at the top of my lungs.

screams back!!

we've broken the sound barrier tbh

oh well only dogs can hear us now

they're going to gather around us waiting for orders tbh

army of doges !!

watch them all be the really dumb sideways tongue bug eyes kind :|

dont talk about our minions that way

im sorry for telling the truth???

they are our babies ok :c

but they're also our really dumb babies

yes thats true

gathers them up

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